In any relationship (Personal or Business), if we can’t be happy together at home in the “shelter in place COVID-19 era”, maybe we need to look in the mirror and be the change. That doesn’t mean you leave your partner, spouse or family and make a new life, it means we find greater happiness in ourselves and it may mean we take this COVID-19 era opportunity to create new better habits together.
The quote about how long it takes to form a new habit goes like this – “It takes 21 days to form a new habit.” Since so many self-help authors have written about making new habits and how long it takes to do so, I decided to find the genesis of that quote and it appears to be here in Psycho-Cybernetics (audiobook) by Maxwell Maltz. I’ve now purchased the book.
Interestingly to me, as I searched a little more I found this study that suggests it takes over 2 months to form a new habit. With that amount of time to be invested, it makes sense to be very intentional about it and that we work to form “good habits” in our personal, family and professional lives.
While personal life and family life are intertwined, I separated them for that same reason to make sure that I’m a better me for me, making me better for my family and my customers, partners, and peers.
Part of making me better is a focus on physical and mental health. The book Younger Next Year has been my go-to for years now, though please don’t buy this book for yourself and then force on your partner or spouse. In 2014, I started on a more intentional fitness path that prepares me for an annual backcountry mountain bike ride on the Kokopelli Trail from Fruita, CO to Moab, UT. The preparation and ride make me better for me, my family and my customers, partners, and peers. You see the theme here.
Now back to the “shelter in place COVID-19 era” and a few observations:
First, my wife Nikki and I are having a blast together.Never perfect, though almost. Same as it was in the pre-COVID-19 era, but slightly better.
Second, we are watching a ton of shows and movies and I really liked the Dolly Parton themed movie Dumplin’ (Netflix). I really enjoyed the Dolly quote “Find out who you are. And do it on purpose”. Too many people (I’ve done it before too) felt others needed to change when we just needed to be a little happier with ourselves.
Third, what’s made Nikki’s and my time together in this COVID-19 era very special are the following, some old and some new: – WE each have stopped sweating the small stuff
– WE laugh a lot
– WE are not pouting when the other doesn’t want to go to the grocery store, go for a walk, clean the house or do anything when we feel it needs to happen. If you do this pouty thing now, please STOP. Instead, one of us goes to the grocery store, goes for a walk, cleans the house or does anything when we feel it needs to happen and NOT guilt the other.
– WE have always functioned as a team to each do our share of the above OR other critical matters not listed above, like earning a living. It’s a balance, we talk about it and make sure we each give mutually so that one person doesn’t need to do everything.
– WE have added new work, fun, activities, chores, and hobbies that will hopefully become a HABIT alongside those in our pre-COVID lives that will continue to make us better together.
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So many of you have asked, why did I name this blog—I Do Part Two?
Why, Part Two?
Because ‘Part Two’ means something different to each of us, it’s as varied as all of our marriage experiences. I wanted ‘I Do Part Two’ to be a space where readers could relate to different couple’s stories and know they’re not alone.
Plus, don’t we all havethose momentswe wish someone would’ve stepped in and yelled, “CUT…Take-two!”
Wouldn’t that have been great? Instead of, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that…” We keep getting chances to say what we intended to in the first place. No harm, no foul.
Unfortunately, that’s only in the movies.
Some of you also mentioned, ‘Part Two’ is about getting it right this time, and feeling confident enough to share the best version of yourself with your partner. And for others, ‘Part Two’ means finding love again after a heart-wrenching loss.
For us, ‘Part Two’ is all about discovering what it’s like to be “almost empty-nesters” as our kids leave for college and beyond. Last time we were alone in the house, everything was new, and it was all so exciting—but we had no clue what we were doing.
How can we keep that excitement flourishing with more experience, wisdom and a deeper affection for each other than we ever thought possible? Personally, I don’t have the answer to that—I wish I did. But, I do believe we each have something to contribute to this conversation.
Like you, our marriage has it’s own story. I certainly have moments in the last twenty-five-plus years I would love to do over again, but I wouldn’t want a complete do-over.
A do-over might erase some of the best moments of my 27-year marriage to my husband. So, even if it were possible to start over, I wouldn’t want to. We’ve worked too hard to get to this place in our relationship.
Of course, there will always be those moments I wish we’d done it differently…
I would’ve loved it if, in our early years,I hadn’t always beenthe avoiderand my husbandthe fixer.
I wish I’d been naturally gifted with empathy, genuinely able to see through his eyes. Unfortunately, empathy wasn’t a skill I was even aware I was missing—let alone one I desperately needed—until a few years into our marriage.
I also regret not asking my husband for help more often, when the demands of motherhood, laundry, figuring out what to make for dinner every night, and running the kids to all their activities began to overwhelm me.
I wanted my husband to read my mind. I thought he should just know how to help me, but how could he—when I rarely asked.
So for me, and most definitely for us, ‘Part Two’ is a process of learning from the past, forgiving, and moving forward…
Instead of fixing and avoiding, we’re really listening to what the other has to say. And more importantly, we’re more aware of how the other is feeling. Even so, we still don’t always get it right.
Sometimes feelings get hurt… but we’re quicker to mend and more vigilant to repair what we’ve mucked up.
I remember the first marriage counselor (yes, there’s been at least five, but that’s another story…) that introduced the idea of responding to my husband with empathy versus the silent treatment.
Our counselor literally had to role-play how I was supposed to be empathic. I didn’t get it, and it frustrated the hell out of my husband. How could she not get this? Apparently, empathy is learned and I must’ve skipped class that day.
Our marriage will always be a work-in-process. So when we start to get off track, we have a little phrase we use. Actually, calling it ‘little’ doesn’t give it the credit it deserves. Many, many times, it’s been our saving grace. It’s only five simple words, but it’s protected us from misunderstandings more times than I can count.
“May I make a suggestion?”
It presses the pause button. It asks permission to give advice—you may not like what I’m going to say, but trust me, you need to hear this—it will help us both move forward.
We’ve learned to trust each other, as it’s only spoken with the best intentions.
This season of our lives is also about unwinding old patterns, finding our voices, having fun together, being more intentional, and continuing to learn how to be more empathetic with each other.
We are embracing ‘Part Two.’ I don’t ever recall a time we’ve been more intentional with how we’re showing up for each other and anticipating the other’s needs. We’re excited about the future, and we‘re looking forward to planning more adventures—together.
What will Part Two mean for you?
*Many thanks to Amy Leimbach, my friend for over 30 years, who thought up the name— I Do Part Two. We’d brainstormed countless duds, epic fails, and domain names that had already been taken. Then, I woke to a text from her in the middle of the night—isn’t that when most women come up with their best ideas? Amy, thank you for your support and creative genius!
Lisa considers herself a “writer-in-progress.” As creator of I Do Part Two, she hopes I Do Part Two will be the conduit through which others feel compelled to share their story. She resides in Oregon, and recently recommitted to her husband and best friend for the 28th year; together they have 3 growing children who still live full or part-time in their nest. Lisa also contributes to Her View From Home. She’s motivated by the quote, “What will the world miss if you don’t tell your story?”-Donald Miller
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”-Spartan.com
My wife and I will celebrate our 25th anniversary this year, and I am chasing her tail with a renewed sense of vigor.
You see, in the last few months we’ve come to enjoy trail running together, and my wife usually sets the pace, which means her backside is my focal point—kind of like the pacesetting rabbit at the greyhound races.
So why take up an activity like this now? Having both passed the half-century mark, what possessed us to begin running up and down the hilly trails around town? To answer that, we need to go back 15 years…
Like many families, my wife Amy and I were busy with work and raising kids. We pursued an active lifestyle, coaching our kids’ athletic teams, and playing outside as often as we could. Amy and I were both raised in active families and just naturally continued that lifestyle with our children. However, we never had a formal “exercise regimen” as part of our schedule. Life had settled into a routine of sorts.
Then, I received a heart-wrenching phone call. Amy and the kids had gone to spend a couple of days with friends on the coast. Not long after she left she called me, and as I answered the phone she cried out, “We’ve been in a horrible car accident, and Andrew is dead.” Andrew is our oldest son. Within seconds she said, “Oh, he just jumped out of the car and is okay. Gotta go.” And then she just hung up…
It turned out they’d been slowing down on the highway to turn across traffic and were rear-ended, totaling the two cars they were in. Amy and the two younger children were in the first car, and Andrew was in the second. She assumed Andrew couldn’t have survived the accident based on the impact she felt in the lead car.
While our three children, aged 6, 4, and 1, and Amy had no visible injuries, it was clear to the paramedics that Amy was confused and was developing a headache and neck pain. She was transported to the hospital by ambulance, where she was evaluated and diagnosed with a concussion.
While Amy didn’t appear to be injured, she’d suffered a serious head injury, leaving her unable to remember how to use a phone book or even perform simple addition, much less any of her graphic design work. Her headaches were often debilitating, and we eventually discovered she had injured her neck as well, which would require a fusion a few years later.
As Amy struggled to recover, my responsibilities at home increased significantly. Life became simply about survival.
In order to keep up with work and a busy family schedule, we ate a lot of prepared meals and takeout. And exercise? It was non-existent.
Amy tried her best to keep up, but physically demanding activities were too much for her. I tried on multiple occasions to begin an exercise program but could not sustain a routine.
During that timeframe, we had the help of an excellent counselor. He warned us that 80% of marriages where one spouse has suffered a traumatic brain injury, end in divorce. To combat this, he impressed upon us the importance of maintaining good sleep patterns, a healthy diet, and regular exercise.
I can’t say that we really excelled in any of those areas, but Amy did make some major progress in recovery from her brain injury. We also hired a personal trainer and were working out as a family once a week. Plus, I was trying to work out on my own several days a week.
Then, four years ago, I flunked a life insurance physical. I was stunned.
Sure, I was carrying a few extra pounds. And I knew that the stress from work and some related projects was less than healthy. But being told my blood pressure was elevated and my blood sugars were in the diabetic range was a complete surprise.
Now a good diet and exercise regimen wasn’t just a good idea, they were a necessity. Amy helped to overhaul our dietary regimen and worked hard to cook healthy meals while I began rowing a half an hour a day. I lost weight, and my numbers came back down within three months. But I got bored—rowing nowhere fast.
Amy’s father, who has always been an inspiration to us, asked us to do a mud run along the way for fun—which it was. Who knew getting dirty exercising could be so much fun?
Then a year into our lifestyle change, a friend invited me to join a group running in a more competitive obstacle course race. I found this race not only fun but invigorating.
So in 2017, I started searching for my own races to compete in and found a Spartan Race close to home. (Spartan is a brand in the growing sport of obstacle course racing which involves running over varying terrain with obstacles thrown in along the course. Think basic training.)
I signed up for a 4-mile/23 obstacle course race in Portland, Oregon, and ran it in memory of a college roommate who had recently committed suicide. I knew if I wanted to be around for my own family, I needed to improve my own physical health.
I was hooked.
In addition to winning a medal for completing the race, I earned 1/3 of a Spartan Trifecta medal. If I could finish two more Spartan races, their middle distance, and the longer distance called the Beast, I would complete the three-piece medal and earn my place in the ’Spartan Trifecta Tribe.’
Never one to pass up a challenge, and irritated by missing two pieces of the medal, I signed up for two more races, one at Big Bear and one in Sacramento, California. I started training for the obstacles, watching videos, and doing research and apparently talking about it—a lot. My kids accused me of “geeking out” over my new hobby.
I traveled to California twice before the end of the year and raced on my own. With all three pieces of the Trifecta medal, I had joined the Tribe. I felt an incredible sense of accomplishment, but it was also lonely, crossing the finish line without anyone to help celebrate the moment.
So, what does this have to do with marriage in the second half of life? Everything, thanks to my amazing wife.
Amy is smart and intuitive and understood how motivating these races were to me. With our kids about to leave the nest, Amy realized that if this was important to me, she wanted to give it a try as well.
Running up hills, climbing over walls, crawling under barbed wire, carrying buckets of rocks, and throwing a spear didn’t sound like fun to her (well, maybe throwing spears), but she signed up anyway for me, and more importantly, for us.
Our first race together was with a group of friends. The challenge stimulated her competitive nature, and she agreed to go back to Sacramento with me to do the middle distance race, 8 + miles, and 25 + obstacles.
We finished the race together, sharing in the sense of accomplishment and celebrating together at the finish line.
As we were driving home, feeling that good sense of tired and sore, it occurred to me that our weekend spent racing fulfilled another desire that we had — to have a weekend getaway. While the purpose had been to run the race, we had enjoyed the entire weekend together, talking, eating out, and just being together.
In 2019, Amy wanted to take on the challenge of finishing her own Trifecta. So we started working out together at Orange Theory, which we found was a good fit for both of us. After encouraging Amy to actually do some running before tackling the Spartan Beast, a 12+ mile race with over 30 obstacles, we started trail running on Saturdays, slowly building up our mileage.
Initially reluctant, as Amy didn’t think she enjoyed running, she’s found that running together through the trees on the trails around Eugene, Oregon energizing and a lot of fun.
As I write this, we are traveling back from SoCal, where we combined our racing with an opportunity to see our college-age kids. We spent dinner with them on Friday night, and our youngest hung out with them during the day while Amy and I raced, then we all celebrated with dinner. On Sunday morning, we all went to church and then finished with brunch before heading back to Oregon. It was a rich weekend with family.
And even more amazing, Amy finished the third leg of her Trifecta, earning her membership in the “Tribe.”
When you consider where she was 15 years ago, with a traumatic brain injury and a neck injury requiring a fusion, this is an incredible accomplishment, and I couldn’t be more proud of her. She said it was the most challenging thing she has ever done, physically, emotionally, and mentally—but well worth the effort.
Our mutual love and respect for each other, and pride in one another’s accomplishments have grown immensely. This is all because Amy was willing to try something new, out of her comfort zone, to spend time with me.
Finding an activity we both enjoy, and competing together, has renewed our passion for one another and has definitely brought us closer together. We are blessed that it has become something we both love to do.
Our goal going forward is to complete at least one Trifecta a year and expand our travel horizons to include international races. Sparta, Greece, is foremost on our bucket list. And hopefully, someday soon you’ll see the two of us up on the winner’s podium for our age group.
In the meantime, my life is so much richer than two years ago when I finished my first Spartan Beast in the dark, surrounded by strangers and feeling oddly alone, without anyone to help celebrate my accomplishment
Having my best friend and partner cross the finish line, holding my hand, makes it infinitely sweeter. And it doesn’t hurt that I get to chase her tail up the hills every week – she even lets me catch her once in a while.
*If you’re not connected to Facebook and you would like to comment, please do so below the Author’s Bio section.Please note, neither the Meyers nor I Do Part Two has a marketing affiliation with Spartan.com or Orangetheory Fitness.
Mark has been married to his beautiful wife Amy for almost 25 years.They have 3 children, two in college and a sophomore in high school.He is a family physician where he uses his Biology degree daily, but enjoys putting the other half of his double major, a Classics degree, to work with occasional writing.Spartan racing pulls together his love of history with his love of the outdoors.When not running the trails he is liable to be wake surfing, snow skiing or hunting with his family.Or maybe curled up with a good book.
“Cuddle with me so I can put my freezing cold feet on you and probably use you as a pillow and steal all the covers. K. Thanks.” (Pinterest)
On our wedding day 28 years ago, my husband’s father and our best man, implored us in his toast that the THREE MOST IMPORTANT words in our marriage to come would be these: Pirates. Penguins. Steelers.
I can’t say he was entirely wrong. Having been raised in the Steel City, my husband IS all about these black and gold teams that grace the small city of Pittsburgh.
Little did I realize the sacrifice he was making on our honeymoon when his precious Penguins were in the Stanley Cup final (that’s the Super Bowl of hockey) and I was completely oblivious (and possibly admonishing) to Allen’s frantic search for a newspaper some mornings to find the score of the game the night before (this was during those olden days without internet or cell phones)!
Happy to say they won their VERY FIRST CHAMPIONSHIP that year and don their team name on the trophy!
Heeding Allen’s father’s advice, I have embraced these three words (well, two of them fully and one of them only if I can get to a live game because watching baseball on TV is akin to watching golf…not heart-pumping enough for this wiggly, mile-an-hour girl). They have been a tremendous plus to our marriage, and as many of you know, I am now almost a bigger Steelers fan than he is!
Fast forward. Four houses. Four kids. Four jobs.
Unhealed, hidden selves (very hidden on the day we said “I do”) bubble to the surface and bump up against one another. As our marriage clock tick-tocks, the bumps get stronger and louder and more painful.
Words of defeat and shame are uttered (by me). “Are we going to make it?” “What is wrong with me/you/us?” “Is there any hope?”
THREE choice, sacred, life-giving, hope-gathering words are voiced (by my husband). “WE’RE STILL LEARNING.”
I am taken aback, the words bouncing around like a super ball, uncatchable.
“But,” I whisper to myself, “we’ve been at this for a long time.” Defeat and shame creep back over and over, sometimes kept hidden inside, other times shouted in anger and most often, spoken desperately alongside tears of fear.
Again and again, time after time, the three words of life and hope and healing pour from my husband’s mouth. “WE’RE STILL LEARNING.”
These simple THREE words:
allow grace to cascade over us like a waterfall in the middle of a marriage drought
bring mercy to the unhealed selves that keep banging into each other
remind shame (in no uncertain terms) to “GET OUT of our house and our lives and our marriage!”
spark forgiveness as we stop demonizing and begin humanizing each other
usher discovery, newness and life into what seems unchanging, decrepit and even dead
grant bravery to our fearful parts, allowing for a life-long journey of change, growth and healing
energize our hearts to experience freedom from the past and anticipation for the future
breathe desperately-needed and longed for HOPE to the deepest parts of these two souls and bodies, uniting them again and again in ways previously unknown
Today, on our anniversary, we headed on a hike through a windy, periodically smooth, sometimes unmarked, gloriously scenic, often rocky, difficult-to-navigate in spots, kind of scary, breath-taking trail in Allamuchy Mountain State Park. Our favorite part of all was two swans (did you know they mate for life?) with their babies!
We talked about our favorite memories of this marriage we’ve shared.
Two things we noticed: most of them were hiking of some kind and lots of them were when something didn’t go quite as we planned (like the time we ended up in some woods filled with mosquitoes and we had to sprint from one end to the other, laughing and swatting as we went).
Marriage is like hiking…
It’s windy. It’s periodically smooth-sailing. It’s unmarked in places. It’s gloriously scenic. It’s difficult to navigate in spots. It can be scary. It definitely takes our breath away at times. We need hope every single day.
We need all that these three simple, yet profound words speak to.
Today, this best gift of my husband, “WE’RE STILL LEARNING,” wash over my soul afresh, hope and life breathed anew.
Here’s to AT LEAST 28 more years!
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I am a wife to Allen Goetz; we have been married for over 28 years and we currently live in New Jersey. I am a mom to four grown children (ages 20-27). I was born a missionary kid in war-torn Ethiopia, but have become a very average, American, Christian wife and mom who has a fierce passion for marriage and family. I have been driven to my knees in prayer and to raise my hands in praise. It’s been an absolutely beautiful, hard, sacred, messy, complicated, and wonderful journey! I hope to breathe hope and healing (sprinkled with some humor) to all women and their one-of-a-kind families. You can read more of Esther’s musings at https://dollymamanj.com