1. Immediately have the hard talks. They normally do not take long. Do not try to “win.”
2. Find a good couples counselor and use them when you are having trouble cleaning out a wound.
3. Frequent, simple touches.
Traveling around Denmark
4. Travel in adventuresome ways to test yourselves as a team and rely on your respective strengths as individuals.
5. Foster and encourage each other’s passions, even though those passions take time and money from the family as a whole.
6. Do not let the love, care, and time children take trump the importance of the relationship.
7. There is something to the notion that people fall into one of five categories that appreciate: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, gifts, and acts of service. Learn which one or two your partner especially appreciates, and take them seriously.
8. You have to value the institution of a committed relationship in general. What it means and offers in your 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’, and 80’s. If you don’t fundamentally value the institution of the committed relationship, do some deep work on trying to figure out why. That work could be therapeutic, academic, spiritual, philosophical, or some other approach.
Final thought. I heard a very educated woman I respect very much say as she reflected on her wonderful 60-year marriage, “𝙈𝙮 𝙝𝙪𝙨𝙗𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙄 𝙗𝙤𝙩𝙝 𝙛𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙖 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚𝙨 𝙙𝙪𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙧𝙞𝙖𝙜𝙚 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙠𝙛𝙪𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙖𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚.” This is a quote by author and columnist Carolyn Kortge, who wrote weekly for the Registered- Guard Newspaper in Eugene, Oregon—Food for thought. By Matt Longtin of Matthew D. Longtin, LLC
Matt Longtin of Matthew D. Longtin, LLC has been a family law attorney for 25 years in Eugene, Oregon, and has been married to Sandie, his partner in love, life and adventure, for over 27 years. The Evolving Nest recently had the pleasure of talking with Matt and his lovely wife about why, in his experience, he feels relationships break down. It is a topic he has personally spent a lot of time thinking about, and we are honored that he willingly shares his wisdom with all of us. -Matt Longtin can be reached at https://www.longtinlaw.com/
“I want you to listen, really listen to me.”—I want to be heard.
“You shouldn’t feel that way.”—I want to be validated.
“You never support me in front of your parents.”—I want to be protected.
One of the most common messages we receive at The Evolving Nest is the desire to feel validated.If you have ever felt this way, you are not alone. Validation is one of the most important tools of communication in marriage, as it allows you to support your spouse, even when you disagree.
A good example of validating your spouse’s feelings would be to put away your device when they’re talking and really listen to understand what they are saying from their point-of-view.
A wife sharing with her husband about a disagreement she had with a co-worker, and if he replied, “What did you do to set her off?” This would be an example of not validating his partner’s feelings.
Our feelings are like a personal alert system—they aren’t right or wrong. They reflect our thoughts, experiences, and perceptions. They help us to understand how we are feeling about a conversation or an interaction with our partner. The Gottman Institute, a highly regarded licensed counseling group, points out that when our partner ignores or dismisses our feelings, “it is a form of relational trauma which, over time, harms the brain and nervous system.”
Where does this lack of empathy come from? For many of us, it’s just not in our natural wiring. And it may go way back—possibly before our earliest tangible memory. As children, we may have also learned not to “talk back” to our elders, not to make too much noise, or not to bother anyone while they’re reading, cooking, or working on a project.
Maybe you watched as one parent berated the other parent or an older sibling, and the message formed loud and clear in your growing brain, “Don’t speak up, stay small, and by all means—don’t share your feelings.”
How would you know how to show empathy and validate others’ feelings if it was never modeled for you?
Awareness: Simply recognizing that this is an issue for you and acknowledging your willingness to work on it is the first step. Experts recommend individual and couples counseling, reading books on the topic, and working on listening to understand from your partner’s perspective. Also, I would add, let them know you love and care about them and you do not want them to feel invalidated anymore.
The Gottman Institute recommends three steps toward healing: (but friends, this will take some time.)
Atone: Apologizing and asking for forgiveness is crucial; it is a practice that heals ourselves and others—again and again.
Attune: This means listening, perhaps for the very first time, and seeing the situation “through their eyes.” When we are really listening for understanding, we’re able to share someone else’s story from their perspective.
Attachment: If your partner is there for you and has your back, you will feel secure in your attachment to them. The closeness creates a deeper bond where trust and commitment can flourish.
The Gottman Institute (and I paraphrase), recommends committing to repeatedly working to Atone, Attune and Attach on an ongoing basis. In other words:
Apologize when you are in the wrong
Listen to your partner and understand from their point-of-view
Validate your partner’s concerns; they will feel more secure.
If this story resonated with you, it’s either because you have felt “unheard” or realize you have some work to do. Friends, it’s never too late to work on your relationship skills and say you are sorry. Learning how to empathize and validate another’s feelings is probably one of the most powerful relationship skills most of us were never taught. By Lisa Reinhart-Speers
*Please note: Where a licensed expert is not credited, I share from my own experience gained from 30 years of marriage, reading loads of marriage articles and books, and working with numerous licensed marriage counselors myself over the years—much of which was sought pro-actively with my husband, so we could learn new skills as we hit road bumps or new phases in life, like empty-nesting. It is a never-ending process but well worth it—By Lisa Reinhart-Speers @The Evolving Nest
Lisa hopes to share life’s stories through the ever-changing platform she founded, called The Evolving Nest. She writes and shares insights about her own triumphs and struggles during her 30-year marriage to her husband and best friend. Together they have 3 growing children, two of which live 1,500 miles away most of the year, and an adult son with autism who has the run of the upstairs to himself. Lisa also contributes to Her View From Home, various podcasts, and of course, her own website, The Evolving Nest.
Well, let’s find out together as Christopher D. Connors, an expert on Emotional Intelligence, sits down for a conversation with The Evolving Nest to discuss what an emotionally intelligent marriage looks like in 2020.
Christopher D. Connors is the bestselling author of Emotional Intelligence for the Modern Leader and The Value of You. He is a keynote speaker, executive coach and business consultant that works with leaders at Fortune 500 companies, sports organizations, schools and universities. His writing has appeared in CNBC, Quartz, World Economic Forum, Virgin Media, Thrive Global and Medium. Christopher is happily married to his beautiful wife and is the proud father of three amazing, rambunctious baseball-loving boys. He lives in Charleston, South Carolina. Visit him: http://chrisdconnors.com
Mr. Connors references a talk that Brené Brown presented on “empathy.” Brené Brown, Ph. D., LMSW is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She is known world-wide for her work on vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. She is also a gifted story-teller. There are numerous versions of her talk on empathy available online and due to copyright laws, The Evolving Nest encourages you to search for them on Youtube or on Brené Brown‘s website.
I so hope you enjoy The Evolving Nest’s conversation with Christopher D. Connors,
Lisa hopes to share life’s stories through the ever-changing platform she founded, called The Evolving Nest. She writes and shares insights about her own triumphs and struggles during her 30-year marriage to her husband and best friend. Together they have 3 growing children, two of which live 1,500 miles away most of the year, and an adult son with autism who has the run of the upstairs to himself. Lisa also contributes to Her View From Home, various podcasts, and of course, her own website, The Evolving Nest.
Remember the early days of your relationship with your spouse?
Butterflies
Romantic dates
Flirty messages
Anticipation around next steps
Long conversations as you got to know each other
Excitement over your potential future
Today, if you are like me, you and your partner are mere versions of your younger selves, focused now on things like:
Raising your children
Meeting financial goals
Addressing health needs
Tackling career aspirations
Cultivating friendships
Taking care of household tasks like laundry, cooking, and cleaning
Trying to complete those never ending “to do” lists
The reason so many couples find themselves feeling distanced from each other at this stage of life is simple—We all have a tendency to put our romantic relationship on the back burner after marriage because we think all of the other needs and responsibilities are more pressing.
The kids need you. Work needs you. Your aging parents need you. The youth sports teams need you. Your friends need you. Your house needs you.
After all, this is the person you are spending the rest of your life with, so they will always be there beside you. It’s okay to put your relationship on the back burner right now. How exciting will it be to spend your golden years of retirement with them?
What if you never get to enjoy those years? What if you make it to retirement but after spending decades focusing on others, you realize that you no longer know your partner. Worse yet, what if you realize that you no longer like each other? What if something terrible happens and you don’t get to make it to retirement age?
Sure, putting things on the proverbial back burner can work for a little bit. But, what happens if you leave something on the actual back burner? Eventually it dries out, maybe burns, and becomes a failure.
Marriages are the same.
It’s time to take your relationship off the back burner and start nurturing it now, before it’s too late.
Here are 9 ways to reconnect with your spouse and put the focus back on your relationship without compromising your other responsibilities:
1. Date your partner I cannot stress enough the value of dating your partner. While you may not be able to afford to hire a babysitter for at least one night each month, you can certainly find a way to creatively date your partner.
Maybe it means taking a day off from work during the day while kids are at school or at grandmas house so you can be alone. Maybe it means working out together at the gym while the kids are in the child care room. Maybe it means simply shutting off the tv, ignoring the dishes, and having a date at home after the kids go to bed. Maybe it means using your money to pay for a sitter and then having an inexpensive date while you walk around Target together.
It doesn’t have to be fancy, romantic, or cost money. You just need to make time for the two of you.
2. Hold staff meetings You and your partner are essentially running a business. You’re managing a household and that inevitably means there are things like bills, repairs, and maintenance that need to be addressed. If you have children and/or pets, then you also have medical appointments and logistical considerations for others. Let’s not forget about things like laundry, meal prep, shopping, and cleaning.
Would you ever expect a company to run effectively without having some type of formal and consistent check in?
Marriages are the same. Schedule 30-minutes each week to check in with each other on the business aspects of your relationship. This can be a great time to compare calendars, identify breakdowns in communication, plan for next steps, and highlight accomplishments and sources of pride. You can also combine this with a date night — just make sure it’s only a portion of the date!
3. Don’t expect mind reading So often we fall into the trap of expecting our partner to know us so well that they know what we are thinking and what we need. That’s not fair to your partner or to you.
Communicate your needs with your partner. If you come home expecting your partner to have started dinner but you never asked for that to happen, it’s not fair to then be angry or hurt that it didn’t happen.
Don’t let missed opportunities for communicating your needs lead to built up resentment.
4. Learn your love language So often members of a couple feel as though their partner is not showing them love. In reality, though, they aren’t speaking their partner’s love language.
My partner may bring me flowers and little gifts, thinking that I know it means he loves me. But, we have learned that Gift Giving is not one of my love languages. Instead, Acts of Service (things like unloading the dishwasher or making a doctor’s appointment for the kids or taking out the trash) make me feel loved.
Get on the same page with each other by reading Dr. Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts so you not only know how to recognize your partner’s expression of love for you but so that you can also more effectively show love to your partner.
5. Take a couple’s vacations Once you’ve been able to make date nights or date days a priority, the next step is to find a way to take vacations together. This could be a big vacation like a few nights in the Caribbean or traveling through Europe or it could mean you rent an AirBnb or cheap hotel room the next town over for one night.
The location doesn’t matter; what matters is that you have the opportunity to step out of your everyday life just the two of you and reconnect away from the normal routines.
6. Try new things together Remember what it was like going through all the firsts in your relationship? There is something exciting about experiencing something new with your partner and we lose that spark the longer we’ve been together.
Consider taking up new hobbies or trying new things together. The options are limitless- golfing, dance lessons, hiking, reading a new book together, trying a new restaurant together.
The actual thing you do doesn’t matter. The key is for it to be something new for both of you.
7. Do things that your partner enjoys It’s very rare that two members of a partnership enjoy all of the same things. Is there something that your partner enjoys that you find extremely boring? Find a way to try to do some of those things with your partner.
Learn that video game they love to play. Go to the concert of the band they really like. Go to that Indian restaurant even though you don’t like that type of cuisine.
Make them feel valued by showing an interest in the things that make them happy.
8. Physical connections Don’t wait for there to be a natural physical spark between the two of you. With kids and work and responsibilities and pressures and competing schedules, it’s very likely that by the time the two of you reach your bed at the end of the day, the last thing you have the energy for is sex. Those are exactly the times when you need to make a priority though.
What would happen if the next time you found yourself with a fleeting thought of physical connection, you actually pursued it and put sleep or that pile of laundry off for a little bit longer?
What kind of impact would it have on your relationship if your put physical connection a bit higher up on your list of priorities?
9. Lean into each other, not away When things get hard many couples lean away from each other. They complain and vent to their friends when their partner does something hurtful or irritating. They ignore opportunities to communicate directly with each other about concerns, instead leaving their relationship open to built up feelings of resentment and anger.
Lean into each other during those difficult times. Have those challenging and uncomfortable conversations with each other.
It’s what we do in almost all other aspects of our life, right? We have difficult conversations with our children, our friends, our coworkers, other parents on the sidelines at our kids games, and even strangers on social media. So, why won’t we do it with our partners? Is it maybe because we are leaving our relationship on the back burner, assuming we’ll have time to address it in the future?
The time to strengthen your marriage is now and you can find ways to reconnect meaningfully with your partner without taking your attention away from the other important relationships in your life.
Wouldn’t those younger versions of yourselves want you to make your marriage a priority now?
Jenni Brennan is a psychotherapist, college professor, creator of Changing Perspectives (www.changingperspectivesonline.com), and co-host of The Changing Perspectives Podcast (https://podnews.net/podcast/1458220280). Jenni is passionate about exploring the topics of parenting, relationships, grief, and mental health through her writing and podcast episodes.
“I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.”
Those words are a reminder that empathy and kindness are two of the greatest gifts we will receive in life. I’ve had the good fortune of receiving these gifts for a long time now. The kindness has rubbed off on me in many ways, filtering down to the way I treat my clients, my family and friends. Those words above were from the woman that raised me — my mother.
When I was growing up, my mom taught me how to treat myself and others with respect. She let me know that I’d need to adapt to the changing world around me, and encouraged me to think introspectively and learn about myself. It was crazy to think it possible that life could be any other way. I had a role model that lived her life with love, class and grace.
My mother is also an author, of sorts. Oh yeah — she’s the Maya Angelou of greeting cards. You pick a holiday — even ones that are a bit silly — and she’s got you covered.
St. Patrick’s Day ✔️
Valentine’s Day ✔️
Easter — you betcha ✔️
Labor Day… all right, let’s not get crazy. But you get the point!
Her handwritten cards were — and still are — a reminder to enjoy each moment — to make each occasion special. It’s helped me commit these times to memory and cherish the kindness and love that makes the “little things” in life such a huge part of living.
My mom has shown me time and again what it means to live an emotionally intelligent life, and most importantly how to live one. I wanted to share the many lessons I’ve learned from her, as well as some of my own along the way. They’re the habits of emotionally intelligent people. They’ve helped me to live a fulfilling, productive and happy life — on my terms.
1. They personalize communications with kindness.
Take a page out of my mother’s greeting card collection. Let someone else know that you care. Be kind — not because it’s the contemporary buzzword or thing to do. Because it’s the right thing to do. Kindness and empathy are the habits of beautiful people. They are relationship multipliers. They show tremendous self-awareness and genuine care for others.
It takes thought to do this — be willing to go the extra mile and put yourself in the position of someone else. It’s an amazing feeling to be treated with kindness.
2. They devote time each day to self-care.
I used to look at certain things like massage, chiropractic care and coaching as premium services that weren’t at all necessary. It wasn’t until I started investing more in myself that I learned these were things that are essential to maintaining my equilibrium. What I mean is — these are game-changers for me that add value to my life and improve my well-being.
Emotionally intelligent people understand this and commit select items to habit that will work for them. Start with having a meditation practice, even if it’s five minutes per day. Look at the four dimensions of wellness:
· Physical
· Emotional
· Spiritual
· Mental
What can you do each day and week to nourish yourself and help your personal development? Focus on the emotional side. Seek things that will help you feel fulfilled, motivated and energized.
3. They use motivation and passion to power their day.
Living with passion and purpose motivate you to live the life you’ve always wanted. I’m very big on self-motivation. My top love language is words of affirmation, so I thrive on hearing these from people I love and trust. I also feed motivational and inspirational words of encouragement to myself subconsciously. Napoleon Hill was fond of using the term, “autosuggestion.”
I think of it as a pep talk from the heart. Think about how you feel when you think of the things that light the fire inside of you. Remind yourself of reaching your goals and doing so for the people you love.
4. They forge authentic connections with people.
This one for me is really simple. They invest their time and energy in people. They tell the people closest to them, “I love you.” They lead with a smile, their spirit is true and they genuinely have no airs about them. They’re real. Everyone knows it.
I think of my wife — an emotionally intelligent woman that has always told me the truth and showed me from day one that she wanted me to be happy. Every conversation with her has always been so real. This connection led to love. 7.5 years of marriage and two children later, this authentic connection has sparked a lifetime of happiness.
5. They know themselves in a deep, intimate way.
This begins with the foundational piece of emotional intelligence: self-awareness. Emotionally intelligent people know who they are — and just as important, who they are not. They understand what makes them happy, sad, angry, scared, thankful, in awe, and everythiing in between. They have a sense of purpose and do things with meaningful intention.
They invest time in personal development to become better wives, sisters, husbands, brothers, sons and daughters. They know that life isn’t a game — it’s a journey. What better journey than to know what makes you who you truly are, and then to share that gift with the world?
A great example of this is Ellen DeGeneres. Extraordinarily comfortable in her own skin, she has transformed the lives of millions of people for the better because she refused to become some other version of herself. She stayed true, worked hard in her career and had the courage to come out at a time where it wasn’t well accepted. But she wanted to live life on her terms, and she wouldn’t be denied.
6. They view adversity as a growth opportunity.
From the ashes of every disappointment can rise an amazing blessing. This isn’t just some self-help gobbledygook. It’s the way I live my life. It’s the way I’ve seen emotionally intelligent people that I respect live their lives. When I’ve had my heart broken, when I’ve been let go from jobs, when I’ve dealt with bad injuries, I’ve always come back stronger and wiser.
My good friend, Bill, has dealt with many setbacks for his young son. Diagnosed with neuroblastoma, his now 3-year old has been fighting for his life from the time he entered this world. He’s survived cancer several times, beating it and moving forward with courage and confidence. This has led to a rebirth in faith for my friend and his wife.
Their lives have been defined by the incredible power of love.
They’re warriors that can successfully adjust to any challenge life throws at them. That’s called adaptability. It’s called resilience. It begins with a positive attitude and a belief powered by self-motivation that things are always going to get better. When you live your life like this, you grow and become even stronger for the next challenge.
7. They are intellectually curious and love helping others develop.
Last and certainly not least, emotionally intelligent people have an insatiable appetite for learning new things and helping others to develop and learn new things. The common theme you’ve surely seen is, emotionally intelligent people aren’t just in it for themselves. They want mutually beneficial outcomes that lead to true growth.
They love to help people become the best version of themselves because their actions are outward, while their thoughts are inward. In other words — they spend time thinking about creating the kind of world they want themselves and others to live in. One with wonder, love, joy and happiness. They then commit their actions to create that world and do so with passion.
Becoming an emotionally intelligent person is something every one of us can do. We all have the power to love, learn deeper about ourselves and do kind things for others. We can all learn to take better care of ourselves, adapt to difficult circumstances and motivate ourselves to reach our peak potential. It begins with habits — the secret sauce that puts a life of fulfillment well within our grasp.
Christopher D. Connors is the bestselling author of Emotional Intelligence for the Modern Leader and The Value of You. He is a keynote speaker, executive coach and business consultant that works with leaders at Fortune 500 companies, sports organizations, schools and universities. His writing has appeared in CNBC, Quartz, World Economic Forum, Virgin Media, Thrive Global and Medium. Christopher is happily married to his beautiful wife and is the proud father of three amazing, rambunctious baseball-loving boys. He lives in Charleston, South Carolina. Visit him: http://chrisdconnors.com
