In this too-big, too-empty house that was way too small for so many years
Years that seemed like they may never end and yet went by too quickly- and without our permission
If only we could rewind
So many years of schedules and sports and tasks and homework and projects and tests and assignments
Of early mornings and late evenings and toys and smelly athletic equipment all over the place
And now- what?
Where’s the pitter patter, the banging and crashing and yelling and screaming and whining/complaining and hugging and cuddling (so much cuddling) and good morning/goodnight kisses
and laughing and laughing and laughing
The calls to “Bring me this,” “Can you pick me up?” “Where are you?” “ Have you seen my…?” “This is due tomorrow” and “I’m HUNGRY!” are no more
The busy practice schedules and game lineups by which we set our calendar are missing, and the days and nights, and weekends are now wide open: fluid
EMPTY
There is no frantic pace nor time to be home or wake up early or drop everything to take or pick up
No hurried trips to the store for this or that and no creative menus to prepare and to watch be enthusiastically devoured
Gone are the excited bursts through the door announcing victories or accomplishments or team news or funny “Guess what happened today” or “Can you believe…” or “Promise you won’t get mad” or talks about heartbreaks or observations or big plans and dreams
Now there is SILENCE
The messy rooms are all cleared out, just spaces where echoes of childhood remain
There are no more shoes and fishing gear and book-bags and sports stuff on the porch (which would normally be a good thing)—except, sadly, there is no prospect nor anticipation for them to return
And so here we are Trying not to look back Not sure where the hell we are supposed to look
As we try to navigate, define or redefine this life that has wrapped and captivated and occupied and made us who we’ve been for so long
But not nearly long enough
There is accomplishment and freedom, pride and relief
But the “Big, Wide Open” is terrifying
Like coming up for air only to find that you long to dive back down deep and stay there
So now we wait And take it all in And take a deep breath And a million more
In this too-big, too-empty house where the silence is deafening. By Dr. Mary Jo Almeida-Shore
Dr. Mary Jo Almeida-Shore is a writer, editor, and mother of two grown boys. Dr. Almeida-Shore is a founding editor of the Miamisocialholic and has been a contributor to Us Weekly, Miami Community News, the Miami Sun Post, The Miami Herald’s Miami.com, Time magazine publications, NBC Universal, Haute Living magazine, and many more. Dr. Shore earned her Doctorate degree from Florida International University in Curriculum and Instruction. In addition to her journalistic endeavors, she has served as an educator for the Miami-Dade County Public School System: five years as a teacher and fifteen as a vice principal.
1. Immediately have the hard talks. They normally do not take long. Do not try to “win.”
2. Find a good couples counselor and use them when you are having trouble cleaning out a wound.
3. Frequent, simple touches.
Traveling around Denmark
4. Travel in adventuresome ways to test yourselves as a team and rely on your respective strengths as individuals.
5. Foster and encourage each other’s passions, even though those passions take time and money from the family as a whole.
6. Do not let the love, care, and time children take trump the importance of the relationship.
7. There is something to the notion that people fall into one of five categories that appreciate: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, gifts, and acts of service. Learn which one or two your partner especially appreciates, and take them seriously.
8. You have to value the institution of a committed relationship in general. What it means and offers in your 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’, and 80’s. If you don’t fundamentally value the institution of the committed relationship, do some deep work on trying to figure out why. That work could be therapeutic, academic, spiritual, philosophical, or some other approach.
Final thought. I heard a very educated woman I respect very much say as she reflected on her wonderful 60-year marriage, “𝙈𝙮 𝙝𝙪𝙨𝙗𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙄 𝙗𝙤𝙩𝙝 𝙛𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙖 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙥𝙡𝙚 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚𝙨 𝙙𝙪𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙧𝙞𝙖𝙜𝙚 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙠𝙛𝙪𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙖𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚.” This is a quote by author and columnist Carolyn Kortge, who wrote weekly for the Registered- Guard Newspaper in Eugene, Oregon—Food for thought. By Matt Longtin of Matthew D. Longtin, LLC
Matt Longtin of Matthew D. Longtin, LLC has been a family law attorney for 25 years in Eugene, Oregon, and has been married to Sandie, his partner in love, life and adventure, for over 27 years. The Evolving Nest recently had the pleasure of talking with Matt and his lovely wife about why, in his experience, he feels relationships break down. It is a topic he has personally spent a lot of time thinking about, and we are honored that he willingly shares his wisdom with all of us. -Matt Longtin can be reached at https://www.longtinlaw.com/
I was sitting at a Starbucks, coffee in hand, putting off some work for a few indulgent minutes on Facebook. I was robotically scrolling, only partially engaged with the usual mix of animal videos, self-help quotes, and messages from friends.
That’s when it happened to me.
That’s when this photo happened to me.
I froze, my scrolling index finger mid-air. I was riveted. I could not stop looking. I felt like I had found something of importance. I looked at it and felt… Awestruck.
Photo Credit: Annie Leibovitz
Not because of her beauty or fame but because I didn’t realize until I saw this photo that this is what womanhood can look like.
Real, authentic, vibrant, and strong. Bad Ass. Commanding. Awesome. And wrinkled.
And something in me cracked open a little.
I am navigating the changes that come with age. I have gone through 4 different sizes in the last few years as my body decides what kind of metabolism it would like to have today. There are the reading glasses that I resisted for a year, the lessening of stamina (staying up past 1 a.m. requires a day off to recover), and the new wardrobe that seems to have gravitated to tunics and flowing shirts to hide the belly fat and rounded hips that have appeared. I try and hold all these changes with grace and dignity, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to having sat down on the little bench in the Nordstom’s change room and crying with dismay at a body that I can’t seem to anticipate or understand.
I don’t mean to paint an entirely bleak picture. There are great things that come with age, too, like no longer seeking “permission” to be the person I really am, giving up the need for people-pleasing, having enough independence of spirit to leave the house without makeup or shaved legs, and knowing, exactly, how I like to spend my time. I am eternally grateful for those gifts and the ease that they bring. So it’s not so much that I am resisting the changes that come with age; I get that with the sagging bits comes the reward of newfound wisdom. It’s more that aging seems to have landed me in uncharted territory. I don’t quite know how I am supposed to be in it.
I am perplexed. I have achieved so much and live an extraordinary, expansive life. I have a delightful circle of loved ones. I have a remarkable career. I do the things I love; dance, travel, read, and theatre. I cultivate relationships that charm me. I eat glorious meals that I delight in cooking. But there is unrest in me and, perhaps, a little sadness. A part of me struggles with a loss of vibrancy, a giving up on the coltish-legged creature that once seemed fearless. I have a longing for the permission that I used to give myself to be glorious.
I used to enjoy the attention I got for my youthful rendition of beauty. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t anything particularly noteworthy, just enough to fit the checklist that someone, somewhere, decided was the definition of who I should be; thin, blonde, nicely shaped, long-legged, exuberant, friendly, and full of possibility. I excelled in my profession, got invited to the big meetings, was offered top tables in restaurants, and skipped the lines. I traveled, bought a house, and stood as a vibrant example of thirty-something femininity. I was used to the attention that my confidence gave me. The world was mine to conquer, to delight, to engage. Yes, that confidence came at a price. I bristled at and occasionally faltered under the demands of perfection and got lost in the dark world where self-worth equates to body image, but I got noticed. I was one of those who had the right to be vibrant and boldly stride into whatever lay ahead. No matter what, I could count on being seen. At the interview, at the audition, on the first date. Then suddenly, it seemed almost overnight, I was unseen.
Not rejected, just unseen.
I am no longer in the world of 30-something-vibrant-flat-stomached-world-achievers (heck, I am now striding through the world of 50-something), and suddenly I do not register in people’s awareness as I walk by. I am no longer the sassy upstart that people used to see when they looked at me.
And that’s the problem. I am unsure of who I am at this age. I can’t find the checklist for a powerful, vibrant, sexy woman of 50+. I’m standing here with the old checklist, which is not working. I don’t want to look like the botox version of Barbie, but I also don’t want the diffuse, shrinking energy of a woman who is no longer in command of her vitality.
But where is it to be found? Where are the examples of women who wear their years, experience, and glorious ways of being with pride? Women who still exude vibrant possibilities. Women who have created a whole new phase of being that lies between Nymph and Crone. Women who leave you enchanted, wondering, longing, and are over the age of 50?
When I saw this picture of Helen Mirren, I became curious. I stopped and looked. I mean, I really looked. And then I became envious. Can you believe it??? Envious! The last time I felt jealous of anyone older than me, I was sixteen and wishing I could be a very grown-up twenty-one. But look at her – the command of her space, the energy that just leaps out at you, the defiance in her tattoo, and her exposed cleavage that just takes the whole notion of being matronly and flips it the bird.
Oh, the stories that she has to tell.
Oh, what I would do to pour her a glass of wine (or better yet, a whiskey) and get down to a long talk.
It’s not that I want to be her. It’s that in seeing her, I realize that I don’t have a vision, a mentor, or a knowing of who I want to be. I instantly loved this photo; strangely enough, I think I fell in love with myself when I looked at it. The old choices society wants to offer me just don’t cut it. The blessing of age is that I can see that they never did. It’s high time that I decide how this next decade or two (or four) will look and feel. I’m Re-Imagining myself, finding the new markers for MY new definition of this Self. I’m erasing the page and creating space to be the kind of woman that I would envy.
Tania Carriere, BA, MPA, PCC
If someone asks me about a new sizzle in my responses, the reappearance of my coltish legs from under the tunics, the haircut, and the sultry attitude, I’ll just respond…
Tania Carriere combines life coaching, leadership, wellness, and travel to help you be your best self through her retreat and consulting business, Advivum Journeys
She shares her experiences, insights, and inspirations around leadership, communication, change, purpose, and vision. Tania’s impactful keynote and facilitated sessions draw her audiences into reflection, self-awareness, and intention. You can read more by Tania on LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram
As we approach the end of the school year, I can understand how bittersweet it must be to realize that your middle schooler will be graduating from high school in only five short years.
As a parent myself, I know how fast time flies, and it can be overwhelming to think about all the changes that will happen in the coming years.
This is also a time when you and your partner may start to feel the strain of everyday life affecting your relationship. It’s so common, so widespread, that it’s known as the Slow Fade.
Unfortunately, every year around graduation season, you will hear whispers of divorce. It’s a heartbreaking secret that is hidden in plain sight.
As parents, we are often so focused on taking care of our kids that we forget to take care of our relationships. It is so much easier to avoid issues and pretend everything is okay than to face them head-on. But I urge you not to wait until your kids leave the house to address any challenges that may be affecting your marriage.
I understand that some of you have tried everything, and it may feel like there’s no hope for your marriage. It’s heartbreaking to hear from readers that despite an investment in time, resources, and emotional energy, the results were not what they had hoped for.
However, there is another group of parents out there, those like my husband and me, who never think it will be “us” getting divorced. We get so busy with carpools, work, and maintaining a household that we can forget to make time for each other.
Is to you that I hope this message serves as a wake-up call.
These “we waited till the kids are out of the house divorces” pain me beyond measure because I know if my husband and I had not sought help fifteen or so years ago for our own marriage, it could have just as easily been us. In fact, we acknowledge that it could still be us, so we continue to make each other a priority.
If any of this resonates with you, I encourage you to find ways to reconnect with your partner today. It’s never too late to change the trajectory of your marriage. You may not know how, and you may not even be sure if your spouse will be on board, but you do have the added benefit of time and the awareness that these tough conversations can’t wait any longer.
I understand that it’s challenging to work on your marriage, especially when you’re also busy taking care of your kids. However, I want you to know that it’s possible. There are many examples of couples who have done the hard work, and their marriages are stronger today because of it.
We often think we should have all the relationship stuff figured out by now, but the truth is, most of us didn’t grow up witnessing empathic and effective communication. So it’s okay to give yourself and your partner some grace while you seek help.
If you and your spouse haven’t been on a date in a while, or your intimacy has started to wane, don’t wait any longer to have a conversation. Sometimes all it takes is for one of you to say, “I’ve really missed you,” to start an amazing conversation.
My sincere hope for you is to enjoy more friendship, love, and intimacy with your most important person. You and your partner deserve to have a happy and fulfilling relationship, and it’s never too late to start working on it.
There is never a perfect time to have a difficult conversation, but here are some things to consider that have worked for my husband and me over the years. We learned all of these suggestions through counseling with a licensed marriage therapist, as well as reading and listening to relationships books and podcasts by leading experts:
1. Timing, Tone & Intention are everything:
Find a time when emotions are not running high, and neither of you is stressed out.
Use the tone you would be most open to when receiving this type of information. Your tone will significantly affect how well your message is received.
Check your intentions. If your desire is to find ways for you both to improve your relationship, then you are off to a great start.
2. Work together with a licensed marriage/relationship counselor.
If your partner doesn’t want to go, you go first. The therapist should be able to help you understand why you each react the way you do and help resolve conflicts.
I realize it is hard to find one; keep trying. I know it’s expensive, but getting divorced is a lot more. Idea: If you are buying a gourmet coffee drink a day—STOP—and most likely, you can divert that expense toward counseling.
Ideally, you would each have an individual counselor to work with as well.
If the first counselor isn’t a good fit, try another. It can take a while to find a good match—we’ve had at least five over the years. *Remember, we are all individuals, and none of us absorb information or grow at the same rate—have lots of patience.
3. Three books to consider:
How We Love—Book & Workbook— by Milan & Kay Yerkovich. If you are tired of arguing with your spouse over the same old issues, this one is for you. https://howwelove.com/
The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D., is very comprehensive. I highly recommend going through this as a couple or with a group. https://www.gottman.com/
The 80/80 Marriage by Nate and Kaley Klemp—This book offers a new, refreshing way to embrace your relationship. It is the “lightest” read of the three. https://www.8080marriage.com/
These recommendations come from my personal experience from my 30-year marriage to my best friend and are intended for educational purposes only. Please do not hesitate to reach out at lisa@evolvingnestwithlisa.com if you have any questions about how my husband and I approached a particular challenge.
Lisa hopes to share life’s stories through the ever-changing platform she founded, called The Evolving Nest. She writes and shares insights about her own triumphs and struggles during her 30-year marriage to her husband and best friend. Together they have 3 growing children, two of which live 1,500 miles away most of the year, and an adult son with autism who has the run of the upstairs to himself. Lisa also contributes to Her View From Home, various podcasts, and of course, her own website, The Evolving Nest.
Ali Flynn Ali lives in New York with her four teenage daughters and husband. She is excited to share with you the joys and hardships of motherhood with an open heart, laughter, and some tears. Ali is a monthly guest contributor for Westchester County Moms and has been seen on Filter Free Parents, Grown and Flown, Today Parents, Love What Matters, and Her View From Home. You can also find her at hang.in.there.mama with Ali Flynn on both Facebook and Instagram where she keeps motherhood real.
When did I adopt this mindset—this burden—and why have I been carrying it around for so long? I’m not sure, but it has become too heavy to lug around any longer.
I feel lighter now.
I was always striving for what I can now see it was an unattainable goal. For years, I’ve been waking up every morning thinking about all the things I didn’t check off my to-do list from the day before, how many carbs I ate and didn’t get in enough steps. I’ve allowed that pesky, small voice to whisper in a hundred different ways, “You are not enough.”
I am done.
I’m letting go of all this negative self-talk. Finally, realizing that I can do great things, just not all at the same time.
I’ll get done what I can today; the rest can wait till tomorrow. I am exercising for me—not to count steps and then feel crappy because I didn’t walk 10,000 steps. I’m flipping the switch. I want to walk those steps to stay healthy, feel better, and keep up with my active family.
I’m grabbing hold of my life.
I’m waking up grateful to be alive, healthy, and excited to be here—in the now.
Of course, I still need my caffeine-fix to get going, and some mornings my joints ache. I still have tough days that suck the life out of me, but I am also starting to listen to a kinder voice that has grown loud enough not to ignore.
It’s gently urging me—You got this! While graciously reminding me that time is precious.
Time has a beautiful way of showing us all what really matters.
I have known this all along, we all know it, but it’s hard to wrap our minds around. We always feel we’ll have more time. Some of us will, but sadly, some of us will not.
So, I’m pursuing my passions and discovering new outlets for my creativity. I look forward to traveling and exploring places I’ve never been—I am excited for the world to open up again.
I am also grabbing hold of my 30-year marriage. I love my husband more passionately and with more depth than I ever thought possible. I didn’t know I could love him more today than twenty-plus years ago.
We’re focusing on creating more intimacy in areas of our relationship that might have been a bit neglected while we were raising our kids. We are also more mindful of how we communicate our wants, needs, and desires with each other.
We’re envisioning what the next phase of life might look like as our youngest heads off to college. We are asking ourselves, “how do we want to ‘fill our nest’? Especially since our nest might look slightly different as our oldest son, who has autism, will continue to live with us for a while longer. We know that sometimes it may be just my husband and me, but there will be three of us more often than not.
We are also considering with whom we want to spend our precious time. This is an important question. Of course, we hope our two adult children will continue to come home to visit, and they are always welcome to stay awhile. We miss not always being together.
We enjoy spending time with family and friends who support one another and lift each other up. This makes life interesting—deep conversations around topics that matter. We don’t always get to see our friends and family who are scattered across the country, but that only makes getting together so much sweeter.
Turning fifty-something has been surprisingly good for me. I’m enjoying this unraveling of sorts—this letting go—while still holding on tight to what’s really important to me.
Lisa hopes to share life’s stories through the ever-changing platform she founded, called The Evolving Nest. She writes and shares insights about her own triumphs and struggles during her 30-year marriage to her husband and best friend. Together they have 3 growing children, two of which live 1,500 miles away most of the year, and an adult son with autism who has the run of the upstairs to himself. Lisa also contributes to Her View From Home, various podcasts, and of course, her own website, The Evolving Nest.
Danielle and Adam—Podcast hosts, partners in marriage, and parents to three
I heard someone say that forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. This put so much in perspective for me. When people ask me if I forgive Adam for everything he has put us through, I feel like I should be able to say yes since I am still with him. But the truth is, there are moments when I look at him, and I don’t forgive him; it all comes spilling back and it’s so overwhelming that I almost can’t cope. But there are more moments when I know I’m right where I should be, and I know that we will be ok.
Danielle and Adam together for over 20 years
We are working hard consistently to keep doing better and heading in the same direction, together. I truly think we are better as a team than apart. But I don’t think in order to be with one another there needs to be this ultimate release of everything that has happened in the past. It’s part of our story, just like the good times.
I need to stop thinking of forgiveness as a finish line that needs to be crossed. I don’t think in order to proceed ahead I need to completely put the past behind me.
It’s the hardships that we’ve been through that keep us both wanting to do better, and make us appreciate the present when it’s better than the past, and will make us hope for a future that looks different and fresh from where we’ve been. I think we’re constantly forgiving one another and ourselves over and over.
There will never, in my opinion, be ultimate forgiveness because we will be human until the day we are no longer here, and that means more mistakes and misturns.
Danielle and Adam
I’ve often felt this guilt for harboring some resentment. What’s the official time period for being allowed to hold on to something that’s happened to you? I know, we shouldn’t be constantly scolded for what we’ve done in the past, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be allowed to think about it, right?
Sometimes I just want to feel whatever I want without there being a right way, a correct amount, and a psychological or spiritual system attached to it. So, I’m not putting a timer on forgiveness. I’ll keep traveling at my own pace for as long as I need. Along the way, I’ll have setbacks, all while working towards feeling more peace, acceptance and growth.
*Danielle’s story is shared with permission. The Evolving Nest encourages you to check out Danielle and Adam every week on their podcast,Marriage and Martinis.
Danielle Silverstein is the co-founder of the Marriage and Martinis podcast and community with her husband, Adam. The Marriage and Martinis podcast is an attempt to present a real, authentic marriage at its core: the love, hate, teamwork, struggles, laughter, humiliation, and ever-changing dynamics that comprise spousal relationships. Join Danielle and Adam as they explore every hilarious, heartfelt, shocking, embarrassing, and completely inappropriate facet of marriage and parenting. It’s a bumpy ride but it’s worth it!
Together they’ve succeeded in gaining over five million podcast downloads since they launched in 2018, and have an engaged community of over 400,000+ followers and growing. You can listen to the Marriage and Martinis on all the podcast platforms including: Apple Podcasts and Spotify as well on social media: Instagram,Facebook, and Linkedin
After many years of feeling drained as a partner and a mom, I decided to take my life back and stop going through the motions…
At some point, I lost a bit of myself along the way of raising my children.
I let go of my passions and only focused on what made my children happy. And the funny thing is, I didn’t even know it.
Until years later, upon deep reflection, I realized the loss I was feeling.
I let go of me.
I stopped living for me and only woke up each day wondering how to make the lives of the people around me more fulfilled.
I let go of me.
I started to become a shell of a person simply going through the motions rather than living life each day. Even before the pandemic of Covid-19, I felt I was living day after day the same life over and over again.
I let go of me.
I didn’t wake up refreshed, ready to take on the day, rather I was tirelessly traipsing through the day with little to no emotion.
I let go of me.
I was trapped inside my own shell, knowing the walls to escape could be broken down but no one could reach in and help me.
I let go of me.
I had to emerge on my own…
And that, my friends, is exactly what I did.
I reached deep into my soul and pulled out the old wounds and dealt with them face to face.
I slowly started to find me.
I gently traveled to the parts that I had been missing, brushed myself off while being wrapped in a warm embrace and invited myself back in again.
I slowly started to find me again.
I essentially stopped living life going through the motions.
I slowly started to find me again.
I started living and I let go of the guilt.
I let go of the looming thoughts that burdened me. I stopped feeling selfish the times I was making myself happy.
I started living for my family as a whole.
Not just living for my husband. Not just going about my day for my children. But for me also. For the first time, I was living for all of us collectively.
I slowly started to find me again.
Life has not changed drastically. But how I look at my life has been altered.
Each day I am presented with decisions to make and I am living within the decisions, feeling each and every part of the day.
I am not going through the motions filling a void in the hollow of the shell that once existed
Ali Flynn Ali lives in New York with her four teenage daughters and husband. She is excited to share with you the joys and hardships of motherhood with an open heart, laughter, and some tears. Ali is a monthly guest contributor for Westchester County Moms and has been seen on Filter Free Parents, Grown and Flown, Today Parents, Love What Matters, and Her View From Home. You can also find her at hang.in.there.mama with Ali Flynn on both Facebook and Instagram where she keeps motherhood real.
𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗼𝗳 𝘂𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝘄𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝗮𝘀𝗸𝘀 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝗯𝗲𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗺𝗶𝗰? The ‘Perfect Mom’ mask, the ‘Successful Business Person’ mask, or the ‘I Got It All Together’ masks…Almost everyone wears some sort of mask.
One woman shares her story—
It’s Time To Take Off The Mask by Faith in the Mess – Melissa Neeb, Writer
I wear a cloth mask everywhere now. It doesn’t really bother me.
What did bother me was the metaphorical one I wore for years. I wore a smile but it was a lie.
No one knew the pain I was in. It was difficult to even admit it to myself. I stuffed it down. Locked it up tight in my heart.
It was my box of darkness. Only mine.
So in the world, I pretended. I faked it. I told everyone I was fine. I was ok. I was good.
Those masks, layers of them, kept my secrets and tears hidden. I hated who I had become but I didn’t know who to be anymore.
I came to the end of myself, the edge of the proverbial cliff. Dangling. Desperate. Alone.
Then I walked into a room and sat down with a bunch of strangers who could see the face behind the mask because they recognized the pain. They had worn it themselves. They had put it down and left it behind.
So slowly, my masks came off. One by one. Ever so carefully.
I didn’t have to be afraid of my reflection anymore. I could change. Grow. Transform into something I never imagined.
Melissa Neeb is a Minnesota native and lover of nature, WW2 memoirs, rescue dogs, photography, and thrifting. Melissa and her husband have two teenagers who are the great loves of her life. She is passionate about advocating for addiction recovery, writing about parenting, life, faith, and everything in between. You can read more by Melissa on Facebook,Instagram, and on her website at Faith in the mess.
Remember the early days of your relationship with your spouse?
Butterflies
Romantic dates
Flirty messages
Anticipation around next steps
Long conversations as you got to know each other
Excitement over your potential future
Today, if you are like me, you and your partner are mere versions of your younger selves, focused now on things like:
Raising your children
Meeting financial goals
Addressing health needs
Tackling career aspirations
Cultivating friendships
Taking care of household tasks like laundry, cooking, and cleaning
Trying to complete those never ending “to do” lists
The reason so many couples find themselves feeling distanced from each other at this stage of life is simple—We all have a tendency to put our romantic relationship on the back burner after marriage because we think all of the other needs and responsibilities are more pressing.
The kids need you. Work needs you. Your aging parents need you. The youth sports teams need you. Your friends need you. Your house needs you.
After all, this is the person you are spending the rest of your life with, so they will always be there beside you. It’s okay to put your relationship on the back burner right now. How exciting will it be to spend your golden years of retirement with them?
What if you never get to enjoy those years? What if you make it to retirement but after spending decades focusing on others, you realize that you no longer know your partner. Worse yet, what if you realize that you no longer like each other? What if something terrible happens and you don’t get to make it to retirement age?
Sure, putting things on the proverbial back burner can work for a little bit. But, what happens if you leave something on the actual back burner? Eventually it dries out, maybe burns, and becomes a failure.
Marriages are the same.
It’s time to take your relationship off the back burner and start nurturing it now, before it’s too late.
Here are 9 ways to reconnect with your spouse and put the focus back on your relationship without compromising your other responsibilities:
1. Date your partner I cannot stress enough the value of dating your partner. While you may not be able to afford to hire a babysitter for at least one night each month, you can certainly find a way to creatively date your partner.
Maybe it means taking a day off from work during the day while kids are at school or at grandmas house so you can be alone. Maybe it means working out together at the gym while the kids are in the child care room. Maybe it means simply shutting off the tv, ignoring the dishes, and having a date at home after the kids go to bed. Maybe it means using your money to pay for a sitter and then having an inexpensive date while you walk around Target together.
It doesn’t have to be fancy, romantic, or cost money. You just need to make time for the two of you.
2. Hold staff meetings You and your partner are essentially running a business. You’re managing a household and that inevitably means there are things like bills, repairs, and maintenance that need to be addressed. If you have children and/or pets, then you also have medical appointments and logistical considerations for others. Let’s not forget about things like laundry, meal prep, shopping, and cleaning.
Would you ever expect a company to run effectively without having some type of formal and consistent check in?
Marriages are the same. Schedule 30-minutes each week to check in with each other on the business aspects of your relationship. This can be a great time to compare calendars, identify breakdowns in communication, plan for next steps, and highlight accomplishments and sources of pride. You can also combine this with a date night — just make sure it’s only a portion of the date!
3. Don’t expect mind reading So often we fall into the trap of expecting our partner to know us so well that they know what we are thinking and what we need. That’s not fair to your partner or to you.
Communicate your needs with your partner. If you come home expecting your partner to have started dinner but you never asked for that to happen, it’s not fair to then be angry or hurt that it didn’t happen.
Don’t let missed opportunities for communicating your needs lead to built up resentment.
4. Learn your love language So often members of a couple feel as though their partner is not showing them love. In reality, though, they aren’t speaking their partner’s love language.
My partner may bring me flowers and little gifts, thinking that I know it means he loves me. But, we have learned that Gift Giving is not one of my love languages. Instead, Acts of Service (things like unloading the dishwasher or making a doctor’s appointment for the kids or taking out the trash) make me feel loved.
Get on the same page with each other by reading Dr. Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts so you not only know how to recognize your partner’s expression of love for you but so that you can also more effectively show love to your partner.
5. Take a couple’s vacations Once you’ve been able to make date nights or date days a priority, the next step is to find a way to take vacations together. This could be a big vacation like a few nights in the Caribbean or traveling through Europe or it could mean you rent an AirBnb or cheap hotel room the next town over for one night.
The location doesn’t matter; what matters is that you have the opportunity to step out of your everyday life just the two of you and reconnect away from the normal routines.
6. Try new things together Remember what it was like going through all the firsts in your relationship? There is something exciting about experiencing something new with your partner and we lose that spark the longer we’ve been together.
Consider taking up new hobbies or trying new things together. The options are limitless- golfing, dance lessons, hiking, reading a new book together, trying a new restaurant together.
The actual thing you do doesn’t matter. The key is for it to be something new for both of you.
7. Do things that your partner enjoys It’s very rare that two members of a partnership enjoy all of the same things. Is there something that your partner enjoys that you find extremely boring? Find a way to try to do some of those things with your partner.
Learn that video game they love to play. Go to the concert of the band they really like. Go to that Indian restaurant even though you don’t like that type of cuisine.
Make them feel valued by showing an interest in the things that make them happy.
8. Physical connections Don’t wait for there to be a natural physical spark between the two of you. With kids and work and responsibilities and pressures and competing schedules, it’s very likely that by the time the two of you reach your bed at the end of the day, the last thing you have the energy for is sex. Those are exactly the times when you need to make a priority though.
What would happen if the next time you found yourself with a fleeting thought of physical connection, you actually pursued it and put sleep or that pile of laundry off for a little bit longer?
What kind of impact would it have on your relationship if your put physical connection a bit higher up on your list of priorities?
9. Lean into each other, not away When things get hard many couples lean away from each other. They complain and vent to their friends when their partner does something hurtful or irritating. They ignore opportunities to communicate directly with each other about concerns, instead leaving their relationship open to built up feelings of resentment and anger.
Lean into each other during those difficult times. Have those challenging and uncomfortable conversations with each other.
It’s what we do in almost all other aspects of our life, right? We have difficult conversations with our children, our friends, our coworkers, other parents on the sidelines at our kids games, and even strangers on social media. So, why won’t we do it with our partners? Is it maybe because we are leaving our relationship on the back burner, assuming we’ll have time to address it in the future?
The time to strengthen your marriage is now and you can find ways to reconnect meaningfully with your partner without taking your attention away from the other important relationships in your life.
Wouldn’t those younger versions of yourselves want you to make your marriage a priority now?
Jenni Brennan is a psychotherapist, college professor, creator of Changing Perspectives (www.changingperspectivesonline.com), and co-host of The Changing Perspectives Podcast (https://podnews.net/podcast/1458220280). Jenni is passionate about exploring the topics of parenting, relationships, grief, and mental health through her writing and podcast episodes.
